(Please note that this bio is best read in a fake German accent; also, if you cannot read or are blind just ask your Warner Brother’s representative for a “Bio on Tape” at no additional charge.)
In this world of disposable icons and plastic idols, let us present the solution to all your problems. Ladies and Gentlemen, we bring you THE NETWORK! I know how hard it is for you journalists these days, the bands you are forced to write about are bland and taste like a vegan birthday cake. The Network is here to save you from all of this miserable mediocrity. The Network are a living, breathing sound-bite and with their charming personalities and their incredible fashion sense you would swear you were covering Ricky Schroder in his Silver Spoons heyday! The Network is the future and if it so happens that the future is the 1980’s so be it. The Network asks you, have we really progressed since then? And the answer is NO! The Network believes that our world is filled with records that should come with expiration dates on them. The Network is timeless! You will be reminded of this fact when they play “Hammer of the Gods” at your funeral and “Money Money 2020” at your kids bar mitzvah. Everything you heard about the Network is true (except for the sex scandal that bassist Van Gough had with a sheep in Florida, it was actually Estelle Getty from The Golden Girls), they are musical revolutionaries not unlike George Washington but with a keytar! It is time for a music revolution and The Network is going to start it.
But let us talk about the new album Money Money 2020! It's revamped and remastered and features two new hit singles, the already mentioned "Hammer of the Gods" and "Teenagers from Mars!" This classic album will be glued to the nation's CD players because there is actually glue on the CD! So now if you were forced to put on a Simple Plan record you now have the ultimate excuse. Another incredible marketing idea from the boys in The Network!
Now I know a lot of you have been excusing the band as some sort of sellouts for leaving their independent label to go to a major. Our response is this: Get out of the 90’s people! Put away the flannel and the grunge and join us in the future! The 1980’s! The Me Generation. We want more money and we want to reach the unfortunates in Moscow, Idaho who have not yet been blessed with the sounds of The Network.
The Network also wants you to know that they completely support our Commander and Chief President, Ronald Reagan and completely endorse his new Star Wars plan. Is there really any other way to protect our country from Russia and Oakland, California? So we may be a little biased because the band, The Network created this amazing defense plan. Instead of complaining about the country they try to help it! So listen up you whiny, pinko bands (that includes you - LIVE AID!), either love this country or leave it or at least try to come up with a satellite defense system that will cost the country 500 million dollars like we did! I mean, do you see the band Power Station doing that?
As many of you have read in the press recently, there is an ongoing feud with GREEN DAY. I would like to take this time and address these rumors. Yes, we hate them and here is why:
REASON #1: Green Day are a bunch of rip-off artists and have been stealing The Network's ideas for years. Here is the proof: The Network put a record out then Green Day puts a record out; The Network performs a live show and then Green Day performs a live show! Coincidence? I think not! Come up with something new you bitches and stop stealing our ideas.
REASON #2: The Network does not do 9 minute songs on albums (unless by chance your CD skips and then proceeds to skip for 9 minutes). The Network do not have time to listen to a 9 minute song - there is shopping to do.
REASON #3: That pouty mouthed, commie lead singer of theirs, Billy Jean Armstrong! Who does this guy think he is? Wow, he signed us to his record label! Wow, he gave us an insane advance that we used on buying Patrick Nagel paintings! Wow, he then got us signed to Warner’s! We should be grateful because of this? I don’t think so-try harder buddy! You would sign Ah-a if you thought it would get your street cred back!
A lot of the press has unfairly compared The Network with other bands. Let me tell you, there are no others like them around today or yesterday for that matter. Influences? What influences? Devo? Kraftwerk? Please! If you do your history, you will find out that The Network has been around longer than these bands. In fact, they first appeared on the soundtrack for the hit television show “Miami Vice Vol. 2” Try to beat that Duran Duran, you Johnny-come-lately!
The Network lives together in their warehouse compound in Oakland, California. Here at The Network headquarters, the band is inventing new ways to rock. The Network, not unlike your founding fathers, had to leave their respected countries (Berlin, Spain and Fresno, California) because the religious Reich kicked them out due to their strong religious beliefs with the Church of Lushotology.
Yes, you will be hearing a lot from the band The Network in the future because they are in fact the future. So get off your asses and start writing about them in your rags. The Network will always be available for interviews and photo ops. We did our job, now it is time to do yours. Doesn’t the world deserve us? Isn’t it your obligation to fight for better music?
THE NETWORK A synthesis of pop and sarcastic social commentary in an electronic new-wave post-punk experience in sound and fury...wrapped in an enigma. This is a band you cannot afford to miss.
BIOGRAPHY By now you know about the music, let me tell you what we know about the band "THE NETWORK". They are extremely mysterious and never show their faces to humans or cameras. The members hail from all corners of the world and were brought together by an ancient prophecy, which predicted their rise to world power and eventually their demise. Here is a little about the men of THE NETWORK.
FINK: He might be considered the leader, being as he finances the group using money he made on a "TOP SECRET" nuclear invention he created shortly before dropping out of M.I.T. He's an Aquarius.
VAN GOUGH: A macrobiotic/vegan, from Belgium, Van Gough was forced to work entrail duty at his uncle's slaughterhouse in Fresno from the age of 10 until 18 where he moved to Tibet to conquer Mount Everest. After 12 attempts and suffering frostbite on over 80 percent of his body and losing his nose he returned to his favorite city, Oakland where he raises animals for experimental laboratory purposes.
THE SNOO: Formally a Mexican Wrestler from Argentina, The Snoo grew up poor on the busted streets of Buenos Aires and refuses to let the success of THE NETWORK affect him or his wardrobe IN ANY WAY. Jailed twice in Texas for messing with Texas, he does not claim to be reformed. Likes to eat hot peppers.
CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS: Although we do not know which sport or event, we do know he has two Olympic medals that he won for the Swedish national team. He made his first synthesizer when he was only six years old. He speaks seven languages and all with a slight stutter.
Z: This Icelandic sculptors name is so hard to pronounce, they call him Z. Likes to hitchhike. He plays keyboards with one finger. Uses Capt. Underpants' home made keyboards exclusively.